Learn to listen
I am 25 and I suck at listening
Something that has become so clear to me these last couple of weeks has been that I suck at listening. I have no problem talking, or some may even say rambling about my life, my things, my interests, etc. but when it comes time to hear someone else (including my loved ones) I suck at it. There would be times where I would ask my partner, “why aren’t you talking?” and he would say “well I am trying to get a word in” or I would ask for his thoughts on whatever it was we were talking about and I would immediately continue to talk and many times talk over him. I get like this with my family as well or I become defensive when they don’t agree with me. This is not who I want to be. Today I commit to practice true active listening every single day. This includes to listen to my heart and others (especially my loved ones).
Listen to your heart – Living in this fast-paced, social media obsessed and highly judgmental world it is easy to forget to be still and listen to your heart. In combination with as you get older you hear more and more about promotions, engagements, pregnancies, home purchases, etc. it then becomes even more hard to think about what you really want. Not what others expect of you or what you think the world expects of you but what is it that you want for you. It is said and believed that your heart is your true essence. You may think that that’s cheesy, but it is a powerful organ. Without it, we are nothing. In times where I feel confused maybe even lost, I lay there with my palm on my heart and reflect. Sometimes things make sense and sometimes they don’t but every time it feels nice to be quiet - to just listen to my heart beat - to connect with my core. Try not to neglect your emotional self and remember this quote - “Having a soft heart in a harsh world is courageous not weak”.
Listen to others - When you are listening to your partner or any loved one it is critical that you listen with empathy. When someone is talking to you, they are giving you a window into their mind and heart. Let that sink in. Having someone disclose their thoughts and feelings is very intimate. You have been chosen as the person they want to share their emotions with - Why? Because they trust you. Be present. Be there as they work things out aloud. Once they are done, assure them you understood by paraphrasing and if you didn’t understand certain points ask for clarification. Make sure that you make them feel supported and think of this quote - “Listen. People start to heal, the moment they feel heard.” In order to achieve this shift, I must listen with intent to understand and not with intent to reply. I have outlined how I will learn to listen below.
Give your full attention – Phones away, tv off, laptop shut, etc.
Don’t interrupt – Seriously just shut up and listen!
Be aware of nonverbal cues – Posture, facial expressions, eye contact, etc. These cues done the right way let the other person know you are interested in what they are saying. For me personally, eye contact is a must and when it is difficult topic, I find great comfort in holding hands.
Refrain from judgement – I know it’s hard, but we all have different walks of life. Be kind.
Validate how the other feels – This helps the other person feel your support and love.
Little note - When opening up to your partner about how you feel use “I” not “You” – When we use “ You” it will make the other person immediately on the defensive and or feel to blame. Remember it is you and your partner against the problem not you against your partner.
